Health Warning (not my original)

It’s so good to finally get a health warning that is useful. It involves the shampoo when it runs down your body while you shower with it. Shampoo Warning! I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this claim:

“FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”

No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads:

“DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”

Problem solved!

If I don’t answer the phone I’ll be in the shower.

 


 

Up to my chin (not my original)

A lady went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk.

“I have a skin problem and the doctor prescribed a milk bath.”

The clerk asked, “Pasteurized?”

She replied, . . . “No just up to my chin.”

 

Elephant Thorn – not my original

A man goes to Africa on a safari. While there he comes upon an elephant in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. The elephant then continues on its way. “I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember me?” the man muses to himself.

A few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the States. He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, “Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?” He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving him the stare-down, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant’s face. It reaches down… picks the man up carefully with its trunk… lifts him high in the air… and THROWS HIM CRASHING TO THE GROUND AND NEARLY STOMPS HIM TO DEATH!

Turns out it wasn’t THAT elephant.



 

Hearing Check – not my original

Hearing Check

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair. He spoke softly to her, “Honey, can you hear me?”

There was no response.

He moved a little closer and said again, “Honey, can you hear me?”

Still, there was no response.

Finally he moved right behind her and said, “Honey, can you hear me?”

She replied, “For the third time, Yes!”

Another Funny – not my own

Signs You’re All Grown Up

 

1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can’t smoke any of them.

2. Sleeping in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to seven.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

10. You’re the one calling the police, because those darn kids next door don’t know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling dirty jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 P.M.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 A.M. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer pretty good stuff.

20. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

21. “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

22. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

23. You don’t drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

24. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn’t apply to you!

 


 

Funny

Excerpts From 6th Grade History Tests

 

1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.

2. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

3. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “a horse divided against itself can not stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

4. Abraham Lincoln was America’s greatest precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

5. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

 



 

Leaving Facebook Behind

Many of us are thinking about this.  Facebook has gone from being a great place to meet people, old friends and new, and to stay in touch over distances, but it’s really becoming a nightmare of scams, lies, and potential threats.   Many don’t understand how to hide their friends list – or why they should – therefore making every one of their friends vulnerable to attack!  Many don’t understand about “data mining” and how “liking and sharing” a post – however innocent sounding – can be sharing their own data and all their friends data as well, with unknown and potentially dangerous sources.

One of the biggest money making operations on Facebook, is ‘like farming”  Pages with huge numbers of followers and likes, are worth BIG money.  What do you think is done with YOUR information shared with these pages?  If you like one of these pages, and share it, you have shared YOUR information AND all of your friends information, to be onsold to unknown sources to be used for unknown purposes.  Hacked accounts are a very small, but consistent result of these types of pages.   All the “type Amen” – “share if you agree” “like so this person can save a life” etc – are just scams!  Sharing and liking a post on Facebook does NOTHING – that is NOT ONE THING – to help anyone in need! No-one will donate money for every like or share – no one will win a prize, no company is giving away free cruises, boats, homes, cars or anything else!   The rule of thumb is “If it sounds too good to be true, it is”!

You can check the validity of anything via Google search – or the many sites who supply information about scams and hoaxes.  Type “scams and hoaxes”  or “facebook scams”  or “facebook hoaxes” in Google and you will soon see there are plenty of ways to verify anything BEFORE you post it on Facebook, or forward it to every living soul on the planet!   If in doubt – ASK someone!  

If you use Facebook on your regular browser – i.e Internet Explorer, Safari, Firefox etc, even if you are NOT logged in to Facebook, they are still able to see your search history and other (who knows what! ) information your browser sends to the web.  This information is used to target you with advertising.  The problem here is, that you do not know what OTHER information Facebook (and Google) are collecting from you- both within Facebook and outside of it.  Do you do your banking online? Pay bills online? Potentially Facebook has access to this information as well!

If you have Facebook on your phone – they are tracking you there too!!  If you are tech savvy, have a look at what Facebook has access to on your phone – and note this – if you do not give permission for them to access this information, Facebook won’t work on your phone!  Wonder why they need access to your phone calls, phonebook, internet connection, WiFi information, photos, files and to me the most scary – access to your SD card and requests to be able to read, add to, delete and change information on your SD card!  It also requests (you can’t refuse)  access to your location, not only the general location, but EXACTLY where you are at any given time????????   Most of us have nothing to hide, but do we really want someone, somewhere, unknown to us, tracking us like this?  What is this information being used for? Why? And where is it being stored and kept for how long?  Talk about “Big Brother”!!

Do you know that you can “Deactivate” your Facebook account and still use Messenger? If you “delete” your Facebook Account, you also delete your Messenger account.  I’m not sure how safe Messenger is, but does seem to access less of your data.   Many of us rely on Messenger for daily contact with family and friends.  Most of us have chat groups we are part of, so doing without Messenger may not be an option for most.   There are some excellent alternatives – Telegram which is fully encrypted is a good example. Stable and reliable, but of course, all your friends need to have the app for it to be useful.

But the bottom line is, there ARE alternatives to Facebook!


 

Please Check Before Sharing!

Please check any posts before sharing!   MOST of them are scams, or at the very least, data mining, meaning that YOUR data and ALL your friends data, is being passed on to unknown sources.  This is especially dangerous if you have your friends list public, rather than hidden.

The latest is via Messenger:  https://www.hoax-slayer.net/pointless-got-another-friend-request-from-you-facebook-cloning-warning/

Please, please, before you hit “share” or “forward” check the validity!  Most times it’s garbage!


 

 

Thank You

Just like to say a big “thank you” to those of you who have followed me over from Facebook to my personal site here.   Means so much to me that you care enough to make the effort to be here!

 

Not my Original – but funny

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the “thumbs up” and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.